Authentic Living
It's January 27, not yet 9 a.m. I think it's above freezing, but just barely. The two winter months we've had so far are beginning to take their toll on this spirit that loves to be out in open spaces. I've chosen to do my writing on my deck on this January morning. The carcass of my Christmas tree has been demoted from its spot in the sun; my chair sits there instead. In my insulated ski pants, hat, burly coat and yak slippers brought to me by a friend after his trip to climb Kilimanjaro, I view the snow covered Flatirons for which Boulder is famous. A waxing half moon, the same color as the clouds, hovers above them. I've never tried typing with gloves on before. I've chosen the kind without fingertips. A steaming cup of Pixie Mate adds to the effort.
So, what to write about for folks who are deeply interested in relationships on this crisp January day with Valentine's Day only a couple of weeks away? A friend observed recently that if you read enough self-help books pretty soon they all begin to sound alike. I agree. That is why I can say so assuredly that relationship success (or even life success for that matter) doesn't have to be a mystery. There are tried and true principles for navigating life, and for creating great relationships, in a dynamic way. My observation is that the bottom line of all of it is that living from the authentic self in the present moment takes care of darn near all of life's dilemmas. Today we'll talk about authenticity and how that affects relationship.
Living from the authentic self:
- Is living from your power base. Living from love, trust, assuredness, instead of fear.
- Keeps you centered. You will not allow yourself to be swayed, manipulated or controlled by other people or your own negative thinking.
- Keeps you at choice. You have a wide variety of ways to respond to your circumstances and other people instead of just react to them.
- Allows you to see possibilities you might not otherwise see.
- Creates clear, healthy boundaries. You are responsible for what is in your yard and no one else's.
- Allows others to be at choice. Their reactions to your authenticity are in them and for them.
- Creates trust in the process of life. Things just work out over time when we live authentically.
- Challenges others to live authentically too.
Relating from the authentic self, instead of a version of, or a projected image of yourself is imperative for good relationships with some longevity to them. Being what you think someone else wants you to be is the get rich quick scheme of relationship. It may bring satisfaction in the short term but is usually of poor quality and temporal. Authenticity is solid.
People ask, "Where do I start?" The answer is always to start with you first. In relationship, dating is a time to practice being yourself. If you're in a relationship, showing up in an authentic way will absolutely change the dynamic. It just happens. Become the kind of person you want to attract (cuz you will). Change your relationship, by changing you first.
And what about the present moment?
This moment is the only one we have. We can allow the past to inform the choices we make in this moment. We can let the future give direction to the choices we make in this moment. But it is right now where the choices are made - each moment anew. What you choose in this moment will affect the next moment. Oh, wow. Here's another moment and I get to choose my reaction to this one too. And this one. And this one. You will find that each moment taken by itself is pretty doable. There is freedom, safety and expansiveness in any given moment.
The BEing Part and the DOing Part
The being part entails discovery. Who am I? What is my life about? You have a core self. Consider it your bullseye. Your gifts and talents live there. Your values live there. It is your power base. You may have danced around it your whole life in your attempts to navigate the expectations of life and other people, but it is there.
How do you find your authentic self?
Notice your reactions to what life brings. If fear, doubt, and worry, are present you can be 99% sure you're not living from your authentic self. I've often referred to it as being in the river. I've had my share of carrying my canoe across the rocks and through the weeds trying to find that #$%^& river. I'm well aware of when I'm in fear and when I'm in authenticity. Notice your emotional responses to people and other situations. It gets easier with practice.
Enlist your friends. Tell them what you are wanting to do and give them permission to call you on your inauthentic behaviors. Those who know you well will be able to spot them readily.
Get coaching. Much of what coaching does is help people find and live from their authentic selves. You can stumble upon your authentic self on your own. It will phase in and out and you will eventually grasp when it is present and when it isn't. That process can take a number of years. With coaching you can cut years down to months and be supported/guided as you begin to live it out, too.
How do you live your authentic self?
Just do it, right? It can be a little more complicated than that. Like changing any habit, it requires new patterns, new vocabulary and sometimes new friends. Not everyone will be thrilled with an authentic you who is boundaried, tells the truth, and has a sense of purpose.
Have friends who celebrate and encourage your authenticity. When you begin to live authentically you will attract them into your life. Just keep your eyes open and be willing to be separate from relationships that would keep you small. If others have a hard time with you being authentic it is about them, not about you!
Grab your mind. Think about what you are thinking about. If you feel uneasy/reactionary, check inside. Ask yourself, "What is my authentic self's response to this?" Remember, authenticity is about choice!
Spend time as your authentic self. Remember a time when you felt fully alive and powerful yet at peace. That is your authentic self. Meditation, prayer, and activities such as being in nature, yoga or a mindful hobby such as creating art are all places to BE authentic. The more you're there, the easier you will be able to recall it, and live from it, when life gets tense.
Be patient with yourself. It is a discovery process after all. I recently read a quote attributed to a young Michelangelo that said, "There is no failure while learning."
If you bump up against the same wall over and over again in your attempts to live authentically get coaching, or even therapy, to help you move past the blocks.
Living from your authentic self is the hardest and most rewarding thing you will ever do for yourself. It is worth every effort. Everything goes better. I want to challenge you to raise the bar for yourself. Just this week notice how many times you are making choices/viewing life from your authentic self. You don't need to do anything else, just notice and count them.
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From the Bookshelf
"The Power of Now"
by Eckhart Tolle
It is simplistic, and oh so obvious, to say that the present moment is the only one we have. It is also true. And life will endeavor to talk you out of it at every turn. In his book, Tolle responds to every doubt, misgiving and argument we might think of for not living in the Now. Continually bringing us back to the benefits of living in the moment, including dealing with such things as the pain body, which can control, dominate and squash the present moment. I use this book as a daily meditation when I forget. It's not a quick read. (I don't know if I'll ever finish it.) But it's a powerful read.