Perspectives – A New Way of Seeing
Perspectives are everywhere. If you’ve ever taken a camera out for a walk you know that the slightest shift in angle or light makes way for a whole new picture. So it is in life and relationships. The tiniest bit of new information can make a situation look entirely different. Simply stated a perspective is another way of looking at things, a different viewpoint.
Perspectives are well illustrated in the parable of the blind men and the elephant. Because each man touched a different part of the elephant – one a leg, another the trunk, another a tusk, and another the ear, each went away with a very different idea of what made up the creature called an elephant. So it is with us. Two people in the same romantic relationship, members of the same family, employees in the same department, people in the same divorce or argument, or even viewers of the same sunset will see things very differently - AND all the viewpoints are true, accurate and valid. Now there’s a thought! In the elephant parable above, each of those men had a portion of the ‘truth’. Each viewpoint was critical to developing a complete picture. So it is in identifying that which is ‘wanting to happen’ in any given relationship – personal, romantic, familial, or business. Each person has a part of the picture. Where we get into trouble is thinking that only one viewpoint is the right one, usually our own.
All the Many Voices
Even in a relationship of two there is a whole community of voices with their portion of ‘truth’. If you just received a $1,000.00 bonus and are trying to decide what to do with it, consider the variety of voices in you alone that want to have a say. There is the child who immediately envisions parties and toys, the adult who wants to provide for the future, the spender who trusts there will be more where that came from, the saver who isn’t so sure. Then there’s the romantic who sees it as provision for a postponed longing, and the pragmatic that wants to pay off the debt, and on and on it goes. They’re not as opposing as you might think. Every voice brings a useful perspective to the question. The challenge is incorporating the wisdom from each one.
Try this
Staying in your head when trying to sort out the different perspectives can make you crazy. If there are two of you it can really get tricky, and a whole family or team can get downright testy. A helpful approach is to get those voices from inside your head to out where you can get a look at them. Here’s one way you can do that: Write each of the perspectives on a letter-sized or larger piece of paper. If we use the example above there will be six pieces of paper, one perspective on each piece. Put them on the floor around the house at least 10 feet apart from each other; use additional rooms if you need to.
Taking one perspective at a time have everyone stand in that perspective. Ask, "What is good and useful about providing for the future?" Really dig into the wisdom. Pay attention to the feelings that come up - they provide important information. Some of the emotions that might show up from the 'providing for the future' voice are relief, satisfaction, safety, peace, happy, content, or maybe fear. Then take on another perspective. What is useful about spending like there is no tomorrow? Are fun and playfulness needed in the relationship? Maybe exploring that type of frivolity could open it up. Every perspective will have good, useful and important aspects to it. Stay within each perspective until everyone understands at least one of them.
Note that this isn’t the place for debate. If there is disagreement or a different viewpoint, step into the space that represents the opposing perspective and explore it from there. If it’s a perspective previously unknown, make it its own piece of paper and bring it in too. Bring in every point of view that shows up. Yes, it will take some time to explore it this way. An alternative would be to appoint a dictator to make the “right” decision and see how much buy in you get from the other interested parties. Good luck with that one.
Applying the Information
So what? Everybody still has their opinion, right? There will be some shifts even in this first part of the exploration, but there is more. This is the fun part. Get one more blank sheet of paper and put it on the floor in a new place in the house. You might want a big piece so you can write on it. This piece of paper represents the best of all of the different viewpoints. In our example above, even if you decide collectively that spending the money on parties and toys isn’t feasible, consider what incorporating the energy of parties and toys might bring to the family or relationship. Where might it be important to lighten up and not be so serious? What might providing for postponed longings do for a relationship? Chances are that it is was more about satisfying the feelings/needs than it was about the money. Make arrangements to satisfy the emotional needs that are behind the various viewpoints and the argument will most likely go away!
I hope you see the usefulness of this type of exploration. Every voice is absolutely important and has vital information for whatever is next for your relationship – any relationship. What a fabulous exploration your “disagreements” can provide. Wishing you curiosity above all things!
From the Bookshelf
"A Whack on the Side of the Head"
By Roger von Oech
This book, with the accompanying “Creative Whack Pack” cards, provides a hilarious exploration of life's situations, problems and approaches. It will challenge you to look at life in ways you might never think of on your own. Want a whole new way of looking at things? This might just be the perspective you need!