Life on the Learning Curve
“I should”. We say it to ourselves; we say it to others. The very word reveals that there is a standard in my head somewhere that I believe either I, or somebody else, should be living up to. There is an inherent problem with entertaining ‘shoulds’. Shoulds and oughts have no power in and of themselves to accomplish anything.
When I was going through my own divorce I (finally and) thankfully came to realize that a lot of the pain I was in I was doing to myself by the ridiculous expectations I had for myself. Letting them go made things a lot easier.
Divorce Has a Zillion ‘Shoulds’
- I should be over this by now
- I should be stronger, smarter, wiser, more loving, cry less
- I shouldn’t be this angry
- I shouldn’t worry so much
- I should get a job, have my financial future figured out,
know what I’m doing with the rest of my life - I should be able to get out of bed or off of this couch
- It shouldn’t hurt this much
- I should have more energy, more friends and more fun
- I shouldn’t be so forgetful, ungrateful, lethargic
- I should be able to forgive by now
- I should try harder
How many of your own ‘shoulds’ can you add to the list? Hopefully every time you hear one a little alarm goes off in your head that signals, “beat up alert!” If you’re saying “should” to yourself or to someone else you’re beating up on somebody! You have moved into the judge’s chair and pronounced either yourself or somebody else guilty! “This person, (most likely you) is not doing what s/he ‘should’. Guilty as charged.” The end result of guilt is bondage. It’s hard to accomplish much of anything when you’re bound.
There are probably very good reasons that you are not doing what you think you ‘should’ be doing: the time isn’t right given all that is going on in your life, you haven’t yet learned what you need to know to pull it off, or the answer and/or resources are around another bend, not this one. There are many possibilities. It’s likely that if you could do, what you should do, you would do it.
Use Your “Should” as a Goal
There’s no need to toss that ‘should’ aside. Just re-frame it. A ‘should’ does not work as a tool for change. It can, however, be quite useful as a goal or a guideline…. a spot on the horizon to walk towards. The way to accomplish any goal is a step-wise process of gathering the necessary resources, incorporating them, recalibrating, and doing it again. It is a common misconception to think, “If I just try harder, I can make it happen.” (Whatever “it” is.) Willpower is over-rated when it comes to accomplishing your goals. Just as a ‘should’ has no power, neither does willpower. Willpower can help you to maintain your focus toward getting what you want, but it has no power in and of itself to accomplish anything. “Should” and willpower are both things, nouns. They are not verbs as in action words.
What kind of ‘should’ do you have screaming at you right now? Should you lose 30 pounds? Get a better job? Get your finances figured out? Mend a relationship? Not worry so much? When a ‘should’ appears, put the whip down, set that ‘should’ out on the horizon as a goal, and then ask yourself, “What do I need in order to do this better?” Do I need a financial advisor? A class? Different friends? Coaching? Do I need to allow myself to be Ok right where I am? Something else?
Moving into inquiry allows you to become a learner, a student, and leave the judge’s role behind. Asking the right questions will ultimately move you towards what you want, instead of staying stuck, paralyzed by inaction. Inquiry re-frames the whole issue. Instead of feeling bad, wrong, incapable, inept and guilty for not doing what you believe you ‘should’, a myriad of possibilities open up.
“Shoulding” on Others
We ‘should’ on others as readily as we do on ourselves. It doesn’t work as a tool for change with another person any better than it does for you, and often makes things worse. It creates resistance because the other person sees you as a critical parent that must be avoided. I know it is hard to imagine, especially when it comes to your Ex, but most people really do try to do their best – whatever that looks like to them. There are probably very good reasons the other person is not doing what they ‘should’ be doing, just as it is for you.
When it comes to getting what you ‘should’ from another person, the most useful approach is to make your requests known but to remain unattached to the outcome. Then trust that you (and the world) will be just fine whether that person does what you think they ‘should’ or whether they don’t. You are more creative and resourceful than you probably realize right now. Let your creativity guide you to something even better.
Is Your ‘Should’ Realistic?
Always, always, always the first step when a ‘should’ shows up is to check in with reality. What you want, and what in reality is possible, may flat out be two different things. If it looks like the other person is not going to supply the thing that they ‘should’, or if you cannot supply what you ‘should’ for yourself, it may serve you to let it go. Grieving is a life skill that will allow you to let go of that which you cannot have to make room for that which you can. It is the emotion that helps us all to adjust to reality.
A ‘should’ is an impossible taskmaster. Guilt and shame are its fruits. A yoga teacher once told a class I was in, “Remember that you are doing this to yourself” as we endeavored to stretch and contort into a particularly difficult position. I would remind you of the same. Remember that you are doing this ‘should’ thing to yourself. Also realize that you have a choice in how you react to your own thoughts. After all, you ‘should’ be gentle with yourself!” :)
From the Bookshelf
"You Can Heal Your Life"
by Louise Hay
Louise Hay is a master when it comes to working with the mind to bring about change. She has observed, “The innermost belief for everyone I have worked with is always, 'I’m not good enough!'” She also finds that resentment, criticism, guilt and fear cause more problems than anything else. And of our tougher emotions Hay says,
- Long-held criticism often leads to arthritis
- Guilt looks for punishment and punishment creates pain
- Fear, and the tension it produces, can create things like baldness, ulcers, and even sore feet.
Whether or not you believe her prescriptions of thought for healing, elevating your thoughts to believe the GOOD about yourself, can only make for a more fruitful and happy life. Thoughts are powerful. It serves us to use them consciously. This book provides a lot of great reminders on doing that well.
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