Life on the Learning Curve
February, the month of Valentine's Day. Depending on your current feelings about romance and dating Valentine's Day will bring either joy or consternation. Understandably so. Even if we want to be ready for romance it doesn't mean that we are.
I kept myself out of the dating pool for a number of years. I just wasn't ready. I once thought I was but when I noticed that I was still attracted to the same kind of guy I'd just left I knew I still had some work to do. I locked myself up for another few years, determined to develop those missing characteristics in ME, so I wasn't attracted to them "out there." It was a great plan, and it actually worked. As I entered another meaningful relationship the stages I am about to share with you really helped me understand all the different emotions and obstacles I faced along the way. I think you will find them helpful, too.
The Five Stages of Relationship
Romance - 5 Predictable Stages
(This article is loosely adapted from copyrighted materials by the Relationship Coaching Institute. Used by permission.)
Dating and/or having a new relationship is usually very high on the want list of a newly singled person. The majority of the singles I talk with are hopeful about being in a fulfilling relationship – usually sooner than later. Divorcing people require varying lengths of time to complete the divorce process and learn new relationship strategies for success the next time. This takes as long as it takes. There is no magic time period. And there's no rushing it. Everyone's journey is different. But when you're ready, knowing the distinct characteristics of the five relationship stages can help you navigate the dizzying world of dating.
For those who have already tried dating only to find it harder that expected, discovering the characteristics of the first two stages we will cover in this article explain a lot. (We will wait to discuss the other three stages for the next issue to avoid an overload of words, here.)
Understanding these stages can answer some important questions: "Why does love change from feeling great to feeling wrong once a commitment is made?" and "Why does the honeymoon end?" and, "Does it have to?" It's not all bad news that the answer is, Yes, it does have to. When it ends a deeper, longer lasting love then has a place to develop where the hormone-driven romantic stage once existed.
You can use the predictability of the five relationship stages as a roadmap to understand and maneuver through the ups and downs of a relationship. This will help you avoid getting stuck in one and fearing it will never change, or giving up on the relationship too early. Dr. Susan Campbell has done significant work identifying these stages:
Five Stages of Relationship
All couples move through these stages at different speeds. They may also move back and forth from stage to stage but both will predominately be in the same stage at the same time:
- Romantic Love Stage
- Power Struggle or Self-Definition Stage
- Stability or Stasis Stage
- Commitment Stage
- Co-Creation Stage
The First Stage - Romantic Love
All relationships begin with this stage. It is characterized by its dream-like qualities, fantasies, hopes for future possibilities, and the asking of "what if." Everything is wonderful, beautiful, fun and exciting. It may seem like the fulfillment of long-held hopes and dreams. The need during this stage is love and belonging. The relationship is viewed through rose-colored glasses or likened to looking into an off-focus camera lens where the edges are softened and details are obscured. In the romantic stage, the couple focuses on similarities and they do things to please each other. Specifics are not discussed. Differences may endanger the connection so are denied. The perceived dream is so precious that each will do anything to get along. The emphasis is on how well the two fit together and they may soon look like they're glued together at the hip.
The Romantic stage is short lived but it allows for the building of a foundation for the relationship in the future. The hormones involved in the romantic stage are powerful and purposeful – designed to cause you to fall in love with an imperfect person and provide enough of a connection to navigate the self-definition stage that comes next. The romantic stage allows you to take chances and risks while still feeling loved and safe. One of the greatest benefits of the romantic stage is that the Inner Critic is virtually non-existent. With a beloved actively telling you how wonderful you are the words of the Inner Critic just don't stick. Paradoxically real love cannot begin at this stage so one must fall out of love to learn to love.
This stage lasts, on the average, two months to two years. Romancing takes up a lot of energy with all the courting and pretensions and maintaining the connection at all costs. Eventually one or the other of the partners begins to tire of what has begun to feel like a charade. Melding at the hip becomes uncomfortable. When the cost to your individuality becomes too great you try to change the other person. You are, of course, met with resistance and when you insist there is a fight. This is the beginning of the next stage, which is Power Struggle.
Stage II - The Power Struggle
In this stage both parties are vying for power and personal freedom. The lens of the camera has become a crystal clear zoom lens focusing on every minute detail. Previously unseen or ignored differences begin to assert themselves and may appear unresolvable. It may seem that the two of you have nothing in common anymore and that everything the other person does is wrong. The fight is for boundaries and clearly defined unacceptable bottom-line behaviors. There is a pulling away from each other and a need for time apart. You may begin questioning whether there will be a future together. The emotions and behaviors are similar to the developmental, rebellion stage of a teen, which is why I refer to it also as the Self-definition stage. All of these separation behaviors are quite normal for this stage.
In this critical stage dating couples may decide the relationship isn't the right one for them. For married couples, this is where divorce occurs most frequently. Don't be fooled into giving up on the relationship too early. Remember it's just a phase. Albeit an oh-so-real phase. This is a good time to seek relationship coaching to help you learn about and navigate this critical relationship stage.
The focus in the Power Struggle stage is on the present and the past. Unresolved childhood issues and/or past relationship behaviors may be reactivated during this stage. Even though it seems that your partner is being overly critical, s/he can provide you with important information for your development. It's a good time to listen. Consider that what s/he is saying to you may have some truth to it. It will serve you whether or not the relationship continues.
The Power Struggle stage provides the couple with an opportunity to build trust at a deeper level, without which the relationship will be unable to mature. This stage is a prerequisite to readiness to relate to each other as whole people. See it as a positive one, an opportunity to journey together, to learn how to fight fairly with both winning, and to declare one's own individuality and separateness.
It is possible to have one partner still in the romance stage while the other is into the power struggle stage. This can be painful when the one in the romance stage finds that what he or she does for love and belonging leaves the other feeling oppressed (i.e., he brings her flowers which was once okay but now she feels controlled by his actions and reacts by needing even more space).
The transition from stage to stage is not something you decide to do. It just happens. The relationship simply outgrows the romance and the next stage is The Conflict Stage. Power Struggle/Conflict isn't bad – but it is inevitable, predictable, unavoidable and recurrent. It happens more than once in any long-term relationship. Each time you increase the commitment in a relationship by investing more time, money, emotion, etc., more trust is required. Whenever more trust is required, you will temporarily revisit power struggle.
The next three relationship stages:
- Stability or Stasis Stage
- Commitment Stage
- Co-Creation Stage
will be covered in the next issue of the Design Your Life Newsletter. Coming soon to your inbox!
From the Bookshelf
"The Two Step"
By Eileen McCann
This book is a perfect compliment to any discussion of the romance and conflict stages. It humorously depicts the ongoing tug of values of romantic couples between, "I love you and want to be with you always" to, "Get out of my face, you're crowding me."
Written with few words and a lot of cartoons it will make you laugh and gasp at how accurately it characterizes you and your partner. It explains a lot about the competing desires in all of us for togetherness and separateness.
A word of warning: Some of the drawings are adult in nature.