Life on the Learning Curve
I've been in awe at how predictable these relationship stages are. A relationship of my own has passed through three of them now. I notice that I am just an observer of the events and relating patterns that have happened in each. Knowing the stages didn't help me bypass them, I was still 'in it' when I was in one, but it sure has been comforting to know that I'm right on track. I'm not crazy, or stupid or inept… just more predictable than I thought. Darn. And I thought I was unique.
The Five Stages of Relationship
The Final 3 Relationship Stages
(This article is loosely adapted from copyrighted materials by the Relationship Coaching Institute. Used by permission.)
All (lasting) relationships, not just the romantic ones, pass through these 5 stages. Siblings will get along reasonably well in the beginning (until that honeymoon wears off) only to fight like dogs during the territorial turf wars of the teen years, and then return to being best friends as adults. Parents go through the same stages with their kids as they grow: love 'em, fight 'em, and eventually relate to them as adults. Developmentally – from birth to adulthood, we pass through similar stages. We are born into the shell stage within which life happens to us. (We are told when to eat, sleep, go to bed, what to wear, who we can hang out with, etc.) Coming out of the shell stage requires navigating the sorting and separating individuation stage of the teen years, which if all goes well, brings us to adulthood with some sense of stability, including the ability to create something meaningful with our lives.
Even if you are not in a romantic dating relationship, knowing these five stages can help you understand many of life's relationships. Consider them a roadmap from which you can navigate. I love having a map, don't you?
Having a new relationship is usually very high on the want list of a newly singled person. The majority of the singles I talk with are hopeful about being in a fulfilling relationship – usually sooner than later. Divorcing people require varying lengths of time to complete the divorce process and learn new relationship strategies for success the next time. Although most people want that yesterday it takes as long as it takes. There is no magic time period. And there's no rushing it. Everyone's journey is different. But when you're ready to try it again, knowing the distinct characteristics of the five relationship stages can help you navigate the dizzying world of dating. This will help you avoid getting stuck in one fearing it will never change, or giving up on the relationship too early. Dr. Susan Campbell has done significant work identifying these stages:
- Romantic Love Stage
- Power Struggle or Self-Definition Stage
- Stability or Stasis Stage
- Commitment Stage
- Co-Creation or Partnership Stage
In our last issue of the Design Your Life newsletter we talked about the first two stages of Romance and Conflict. I call them "Togetherness" and "Separateness" which are also two components that are needed in balance throughout any good relationship. Those are the trickiest two to understand and to navigate so we did those first. In this issue we'll discuss the last three. If you missed the first discussion you can find it here.
Stage III – Stability or Stasis
The Stability Stage is a resting time. The wars of the Conflict Stage are over and it's time to relax. You can breathe a sigh of relief. The power struggle was hard and has weathered you. You feel older and wiser. If you did not learn good coping skills as a child, or have been used to getting your own way, or don't have mature grieving skills, it is likely that the Power Struggle was even harder on you than it needed to be.
When you arrive at the Stability Stage you have come to grips with the fact that the person with whom you are attempting relationship is a separate individual, just like you. S/he has his or her own life, schedule, needs, opinions and requirements (among other things). You've both come to accept that and the differences are okay. It is finally clear to you that you are not going to reshape your partner. Clear boundaries have been determined.
The need satisfied in this stage is freedom and choice. The danger at this stage is that you may start to move apart from each other as you each do your own thing. The separateness may become so stark that you wonder if the two of you may have different life paths. There may be a feeling of boredom, a sense of not being connected, of having little in common. There may be a sense of loss and sadness as you come to realize that the relationship isn't everything you had envisioned while you were in the ideal romantic stage. This is the second most common stage for seeking relationship coaching, or divorcing. At this time you will either learn mutual respect or you will go back to the Conflict Stage. It's important to understand the dynamics of this stage so you don't throw away the relationship too easily.
In the Stability Stage the focus is on the present but not on the future because that is still undecided. A plus for your relationship at this stage is that you now have some history and it can be used to advantage.
Commitment - Stage IV
This is the only stage where two people are really ready for marriage, though many people have already married in the Romance Stage. In this stage you are wide awake, making clear choices about yourself and your partner. You base commitment choices on both the things you have in common and your individual differences. You know who you are and what you want in a relationship, and in life, and you clearly see who your partner is and what s/he wants. This is the basis of a healthy relationship. You are now able to choose each other with an awareness of the past, acceptance of the present, and direction to the future. The needs fulfilled here are a balance of love, belonging, fun, power and freedom. You don't need each other; you choose to be with each other. You can now say to your partner, "I choose to love you knowing all I know, good and bad together."
If one of you is still in the Stability Stage and one of you is ready for Commitment, the relationship will either remain in Stability or could return to the Conflict Stage. Both of you need to be ready at the same time for the Commitment Stage.
Though couples move through the stages in a somewhat linear fashion characteristics of each stage are incorporated along the way and moved into the stage that follows. Moving into the Conflict Stage doesn't mean romance is over forever. Likewise when entering Stability, both romance and conflict still can and will be accessed. By the time a couple works through to stage five there is quite a repertoire of behaviors, strategies, and solutions available to them to work through potential difficulties.
Stage V - Co-Creation or Partnership
In this stage the two of you have decided to be a team moving out into the world. You may decide to have children, work in ministry or create a business together. You are ready for true partnership. The danger at this stage is that your over-involvement with the outside world may lead to neglect of the relationship. The relationship must be continually nurtured along the way. There needs to be time for you, for me, for us, and for them. This is difficult sometimes and choices must be made.
In the Partnership Stage your relationship has become more than the sum of its parts. It is able to support the two of you rather than just the two of you supporting it as was required in the beginning. It has become an entity unto itself. As its own entity your relationship will have its own goals, dreams and wisdom, which can be accessed. Relationship coaching then becomes about discovering what the entity of the relationship is asking of the two people who are involved in it. If issues arise the solution does not lie in figuring out who is doing what to whom. It is about discovering what is wanting to happen in the relationship. Conflict always points to a new relationship level that is available for that partnership. Relationship coaching can help to access it.
Clarity For All Relationships
Even though this article has focused on romantic relationships there are certainly other types of relationships that will navigate their way through to Co-creation or Partnership. Those relationships will also come up against conflicts, the wisdom of which can be accessed for greater clarity.
From the Bookshelf
"I Need Your Love - Is that True?"
By Byron Katie
Most of us are convinced that we won't feel complete unless love in some form is coming our way. Because we believe that we behave in all kinds of crazy ways to extract that love from those we believe have it. Sooner or later we learn how futile that is. Katie has a proven method that allows us to question our beliefs and ultimately to find that WE are love with no need to seek it outside of ourselves. We've just forgotten. We accomplish this by asking just 4 simple questions.
Here is an excerpt: "From childhood on most people spend much of their energy in a relentless pursuit [of approval and appreciation] trying out different methods to be noticed, to please, to impress, and to win other people's love, thinking that's just the way life is. It can become so constant and unquestioned that we barely notice it anymore."
Asking the 4 questions helps us question those long-standing beliefs, which is ultimately what sets us free.