Life on the Learning Curve
Three Questions
I don't know about you but the state of the world and in particular the state of our Country are a concern to me. Some believe that the root of all our problems is over-population. There are just too many of us. I have a little different take. I think that there are actually not enough of us – that is, not enough of us who are making a positive difference. If the lot of us would get busy making a positive impact things could change fast. We have the ability to impact the world for good -- if we will. It's not up to our leaders to change or direct things, though we can get behind the good ones. It is up to each one of us to have our own positive influence. I think we knew that once, but have somehow forgotten.
So I ask you:
Who are you? What is your life about? Are you living it?
Who are you? What is your life about?
Are you living it?
I talk with a lot of divorcing people – people in all stages of divorce. I am often asked, "How can you continually work with all those sad, angry people?" I don't see it that way. People in divorce are undergoing a transformation no less dramatic than the lowly caterpillar who is being dismantled and put back together in a new way. Yes, I see a tremendous amount of pain. But pain is not necessarily wrong, evil or bad. Pain is a great leveler. It opens us up to new possibilities as nothing else does. We become kinder, gentler, more aware, and more compassionate. We come to understand ourselves as never before. We may even begin to see some of life's nuances for the first time, as sight restored to the blind. Life looks different.
So what does this have to do with: Who are you? What is your life about? And, Are you living it? People come out of the Rebuilding divorce recovery classes with renewed hope. They are happy again, with new energy, new drive, and a brand new perspective. They want to make changes – big changes. Yay for that! And then they put all of that new-found hope and energy into finding another partner –immediately and with great urgency. What happened to all that energy to be and do different?
Let me assure you that I am not a scrooge when it comes to the delights of romance. Really, I'm not. But, first things first. One of your most important tasks – maybe THE most important task after your life has been dismantled by divorce, is to put yourself back together again and get a sense of the new direction your life is taking, which is, by the way, not entirely up to you.
What I mean by that is that you have an inborn core purpose that came with you from the factory. It is your North Star, your pathfinder, your inner guide. It is the gauge by which you will make important choices – whether you know it or not. "Does this fit with who I am and what I'm about?" Finding your purpose will provide answers to the three questions: Who are you? What is your life about? And, Are you living it? Partnering may satisfy some of your ills but it won't help you find your purpose. It will instead distract you from it. More than anything else finding your purpose is a completely selfish act - it's all about you. Whereas a relationship is about another person, or the two of you together.
As a newly singled person I encourage you to take some selfish time – maybe even a lot of it. Indulge yourself in things you once put aside for the sake of your relationship – or explore something completely new.
- Learn to cook, dance, sing, play an instrument.
- Take up kayaking, parachuting, hiking or fishing.
- Become a writer, artist, sculptor or athlete.
- Teach, learn, grow.
- Read some books that interest you and engage some of the most brilliant minds around.
- Re-examine your priorities. Do they still apply?
- Re-examine your friends. Should some be demoted? Do you want to invest more time and effort into others?
- Set new long and short-term goals that are in alignment with who you are becoming.
When those things are in place and you have a strong sense of what your life is about now, THEN partner from THAT place. When you know who you are, and what your life is about, you can then get about the business of living it out with someone who is in support of the new you. Everybody wins.
The world needs you. Our Country needs you. Your family needs you. We all need you – to step up and BE the gift that only you can be. No one else can accomplish that which you are here to do. That is yours alone. Your purpose is as unique as your fingerprints. If you don't do it, it won't get done. If our ever-expanding population were to switch from consumers to contributors what a difference that would make. I hope you will let the difference begin with you.
From the Bookshelf
"Soul Support"
by Deb Koffman
A very fun, colorful, mostly picture book with a few well-placed words. Page after cheerful page of this book playfully explores the way we view things, the ways we choose things and offers a variety of alternative ways to view life events, the choices before us, and ourselves. Make a cup of tea and flip through the pages of this one. It will bring a smile.