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Our Past Newsletters

"Radical Curiosity" - One of the simplest, most peaceful, and fun ways to go through life is with the mindset of absolute curiosity. Axiomatically, one thing of the best things we can do for our relationships is to approach the people with whom we are in relationship with radical curiosity. Why do they do what they do, think what they think, and are interested in the things that they are? It's all very fascinating. And, it's pretty easy once you get the hang of it. All that is required is a different vantage point.

"Parenting, Grandparenting and Purpose" - The culture to which I belong is an unusual one in that it keeps our generations so separate. Parents struggle like heck to work, keep a home, raise kids, save money for the future, and in some cases to support aging parents. If those aging parents require more time or care than their children can give they are sent off to a home. The little ones miss out on the wisdom and life lessons of the elderly. Family stories are lost. The elderly miss out on the joy and satisfaction of imparting those stories along with their hard earned wisdom. Each generation must then reinvent themselves anew instead of building on the wisdom of the elders. Each generation starts from scratch.

"3 Steps of the Relationship Circle" - Participants in my live divorce classes always ask, "How can I avoid going through this pain again?"  I love that question.  Asking it is a great first step toward creating a good future relationship. Now that I'm about to be remarried I've identified 3 steps everyone must traverse in order to re-partner well.

"Business or Romance" - I'm trying to decide if I should proceed with a business endeavor. I've been having a heck of a time, with all the ins and outs, and ups and downs, and pros and cons, to come up with a satisfactory way to decide… and I haven't even gotten close to making the dang choice itself. But then I realized that I could choose whether to be involved in a business relationship using the same criteria I would use to choose a romantic relationship. This article reveals 5 criteria for choosing a right relationship.

"Vision, Promise, and Commitment~Creating Dynamic Relationships" - Culturally we are losing sight of the power of promise and commitment. Instead of stepping up and into it we are watering it down to our own wishy washy self-serving level. Promise and commitment have the power to transform both our life and our relationships… but they will require things of us in the process. Preserving the power of promise is imperative if we are to continue growing both as humans, and as a society.

What do you want your relationships with other people to look like? Promise brings your vision off the drawing board and into tangible reality.

"Promises Promises" - Our stance toward our promises and commitments reveal a lot about our character. Learn how.

"Rules and Your Ex - Reducing the Conflict" - A rule is any expectation you have for how something should turn out or how someone should act or behave. It’s purposely a broad definition. If you have a rule with your ex that they show up at certain times or places, know that you personally cannot enforce this rule. Why? It’s unenforceable because you do not have control over what they do.

When you believe your expectations, you have created an unenforceable rule. You could be setting yourself up for increased conflict – first, inner conflict in your own mind, second, interpersonal conflict between you and your ex.

"The Importance of Choosing Well" - I think the fact that no one knows what is down the path of important relationship decisions – from deciding to date again after a divorce or breakup, to choosing a potential partner, to committing to a relationship, to becoming sexual in a relationship, to leaving a relationship – is what draws me to this work… especially the divorce work – which is the greatest unknown. People need a guide… someone on the outside with a more expansive view, or who has been down that particular path before. How much easier it would have been if I had had one. Why do I always seem to do things the hard way?

"Should I Get Back Together With My Ex??" - "I'm thinking of getting back together with my Ex. What do you think?" I'm surprised at how often I am asked that, actually. So how do you know if reconciling is the right thing to do? What really is at stake? How practical is it, really? How do you know the Ex means it when he says he want to come back? Or what he means by, "I want to come back." How do you know when you're just making it up because you want it so badly? How can you know that you won't just be going back to the same madness you left? If you do decide to work at reconciling, what will you need in order to have the greatest chance for success? These are all important questions.

"Your Dreams. What's Stopping You?" - The secret to creating a new future is to develop a vision of that future that is so large and exciting that you are compelled, that is, driven, to make it a reality. First the dream; then the reality. A corollary to having a compelling vision is having a vivid sense of what your life will be like if you do not create a better future. Barring unforeseen circumstances you will still be living your life 5 years from now. Do you want your life to look the same as it does today? In the last Design Your Life newsletter we talked about the two facets to creating a compelling life and a future worth having.  This issue we'll talk about the things that get in the way."

"The Power of Dreams" - I am often asked, "How will I know?" How will I know I am choosing the right person this time? How will I know I won't go through a heart-wrenching breakup again? The one-line answer is, "Become the kind of person you are trying to attract."

"The Attraction Principle" - I am often asked, "How will I know?" How will I know I am choosing the right person this time? How will I know I won't go through a heart-wrenching breakup again? The one-line answer is, "Become the kind of person you are trying to attract."

"A Child of Divorce is Always Missing Someone" - Kids of divorce are always missing someone. They are never able to be with BOTH of their parents at the same time, and even on the rare occasion when they are it is often a tense and uncomfortable situation. They are always missing the other parent. It’s more than just wanting their parents to be married; it’s a matter of their own sense of completeness.

"Where Am I Going Again?" - Your theme is the lens through which you will view every decision you make and every action you take. Viewing life through the window of your theme will help you choose your actions and prioritize your thinking. If you're making up a bunch of rules and then beating yourself up with them, stop it right now and proceed instead with something useful. You too can choose a compelling theme. What do you want the rest of 2009 to look like?

"Who are you? What is your life about? Are you living it? " - People come out of the Rebuilding divorce recovery classes with renewed hope. They are happy again, with new energy, new drive, and a brand new perspective. And then they put all that new-found hope and energy into finding another partner –immediately and with great urgency. But, first things first. One of your most important tasks – maybe THE most important task after your life has been dismantled by divorce, is to put yourself back together again and get a sense of the new direction your life is taking, which is, by the way, not entirely up to you.

"What in the world is a CFI?" - To someone in the throes of divorce, a CFI -- Child and Family Investigation -- might seem more like a CSI - Crime Scene Investigation. Why ever would you want to subject yourself to having some stranger probe into your parenting style and your personality at your lowest point in recent history? Interrogate your friends, family, even your therapist? Interview your children? Then write a report for lawyers, the judge, and worst of all, your former partner to read?!

For your kids’ sake, that’s why. Because you love your children and want only what’s best for them.

"The Fine art of Looking Back" - What is it about humans leaving their mark on the world? Sometimes it is harmless. Sometimes it is even useful. Most of the time this desire to leave a mark improves the world in some way. Maybe it directly impacts humankind as in ministry and other humanitarian efforts. Sometimes it raises global consciousness as with political activists or spiritual teachers. Often the impact is more indirect as in great architecture or brilliantly designed roads, or the expressions of art and music. It is true that everywhere I go there I am. The way we treat the planet is a reflection of the way we treat others… and ourselves.

"The Last 3 Stages of Relationship" - In our last issue of the Design Your Life newsletter we talked about the first two relationship stages, Romance and Conflict, which are also two components that are needed in balance throughout any good relationship. This article discusses the last three, Stability, Committment and Co-Creation. Even if you are not in a romantic dating relationship, knowing these five stages can help you understand many of life's relationships.

"5 Stages of Relationship" - Dating and/or having a new relationship is usually very high on the want list of a newly singled person. The majority of the singles I talk with are hopeful about being in a fulfilling relationship – usually sooner than later. Divorcing people require varying lengths of time to complete the divorce process and learn new relationship strategies for success the next time. This takes as long as it takes. There is no magic time period. And there's no rushing it. Everyone's journey is different. But when you're ready, knowing the distinct characteristics of the five relationship stages can help you navigate the dizzying world of dating.

"BE not DO in 2009 – Choosing Your Theme" - New Year's Day represents the dawning of a new year. Yesterday's hurts and disappointments, as well as the things we've grown out of, can be forever left behind. Instead of determining what you will or will not DO in the coming year, I encourage you to determine who you will and will not BE. That is, to set a theme for your year ahead. You could also call it a motto. If you must resolve to do something, resolve to stay in touch with who you are becoming as identified by your motto.

"Last Night As I Lay Sleeping" - "Last night as I was sleeping, I dreamt-marvelous error!- that I had a beehive here inside my heart. And the golden bees were making white combs and sweet honey from my old failures." A poem to enjoy during the busy holidays.

"Gratitude - A High Frequency Emotion" - The miracle of gratitude takes little more than slowing down, being aware, and noticing.  It’s hard to find the perfection and simplicity that inspires gratefulness when going 90 miles an hour.  Life is a hectic blur.  A bother. All emotions are rooted in the two polarities of either love or fear.  Love and fear cannot occupy the same space just as light and darkness cannot occupy the same space.  Perfect love casts out fear.   By choosing gratitude, we choose love.  By choosing love we eliminate the place for the fearful and lowest frequency emotions of loneliness, emptiness and despair. 

"Imagine There are no Labels" - Labels are words. Words are symbols for meaning. Thinking of all the different interpretations of words themselves it’s no wonder we have communication difficulties. Labels are also limiting. We have the illusion that we know an object by its label. When we think we know we don’t have much need for further exploration.

"Divorce Has a Zillion 'Shoulds'" - “I should”. We say it to ourselves; we say it to others. The very word reveals that there is a standard in my head somewhere that I believe either I, or somebody else, should be living up to. There is an inherent problem with entertaining ‘shoulds’. Shoulds and oughts have no power in and of themselves to accomplish anything.

"The Art of Collaboration" - What do you need to part ways ethically, honorably, with your pride intact, and your family as whole as it can be given the circumstances? That is collaborative divorce. Collaborative divorce is doing what it takes to separate hearts, families and memories gently with as little damage as possible.

"The Transformational Nature of Divorce" - Going from blindness to sight takes guts. Seeing can be hard, but when you can see options then you can choose. When you can choose you are no longer a victim to your circumstances.

If you are at the edge of yourself in pain, frustration, or anger, take a look at where you might choose to forgive, let go, learn, own, find the way, have faith, trust in abundance and believe in your own abilities. Thus is the transformative nature of divorce.

"Cohabitation" - Fifty years ago, living together outside of marriage was unheard of. Today, over half of all first marriages begin with the couple living together first. For many, marriage has become a frail and outdated institution in need of upgrading to a more contemporary approach. But is the new solution any better than the old?

"Transitions – The Path to Authenticity" - If there has been an ending in your life you can be assured that you are in the process of transformation. The intensity of the emotions involved will be proportional to the depth of the expanse that must be traversed from the ending to the new beginning.

Planned or not, big endings have a way of changing us at a core level. The emotions that go along with all of the redesigning can be excruciating. The vulnerability of being without a shell, without a skin, without a home, without a partner, while in the dormancy of the Neutral Zone is often more than we think we can bear.

"The Value of Wandering" - With my one-burner stove, one spoon, one fork and one knife, a few pans, a cooler of food, and a bed roll I headed west to parts unknown…. to wander. I came back with new eyes and renewed perspective. I thought much about the value of wandering while I was away…

"Perspectives" - Perspectives are everywhere. If you’ve ever taken a camera out for a walk you know that the slightest shift in angle or light makes way for a whole new picture. So it is in life and relationships. The tiniest bit of new information can make a situation look entirely different. Simply stated a perspective is another way of looking at things, a different viewpoint.

"Your Relational Seasons" - Seasons. All of life – from plants, to animals, to the earth itself, to our own personal growth – has its seasons. As we begin to watch the dance of the seasons for 2008, it’s a great time to ponder the growth season we find ourselves in…. including the season for relationship readiness. Take our Relationship Readiness Quiz to find out where YOU are.

"Authentic Living" – Relating from the authentic self, instead of a version of, or a projected image of yourself is imperative for good relationships with some longevity to them. Being what you think someone else wants is the get rich quick scheme of relationship. It may bring satisfaction in the short term but is usually of poor quality and temporal. Authenticity is solid.

"Bringing in 2008" – 2007 is over now. 2008 stands beckoning. Who you are is always changing. Every person you meet, every book you read, every conversation you have has the ability to redefine you. You can use the New Year as a gateway to consciously choose the learning/experiences you want to bring forward into 2008, and leave behind, forever, the things that belong in the past.

For more articles check out our Newsletter Archives.

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